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European English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Certainly, this will make the civil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should clear up confusion, and keyboards can have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like photograph 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, public acceptance of the new spelling can be expected to reach the stage where! more complicated changes are possible.

Governments will encourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterrent to accurate spelling.

Also, al will agree that the horrible mess of the silent "e" in the language is disgraceful and it should go away.

By the 4th year people wil be receptive to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Is zis mad you smile?